#1 - The Ace I didn’t know was up my sleeve
Wednesday 25th of June, 2025
Category: life
Two years ago I discovered I was asexual. This is a pretty intimate topic and I can’t believe I’m going straight into it in my first post. Hey-ho.
That day, I had met with a friend for a catch-up coffee. We hadn’t seen each other for a while so we talked about all sorts of things and naturally one of the topics was sex. We had one of those deep talks, and at the end she asked if I’d ever heard of asexuality and that I should look into it. I googled it that night. I couldn’t believe that other people were having the same experiences as me and there was actually a name for it. I called my partner bawling my eyes out as this huge epiphany fell over me.
In all those fights and arguments I had tried to find a reason for the way I was feeling. ‘This feels one-sided.’ ‘Do I look like I’m enjoying it enough?’ ‘I hope this ends soon.’ These were the more PG thoughts.
For context, I have an amazing partner. He is everything you could ever want in a partner and more. He is the most caring, gentle, and patient person I have ever met and continues to amaze me every day.
Asexuality is a spectrum. My experience goes a bit like this: Everything starts normally – the special mood, the tension, the flirting, the build up. Then it gets to that moment, and then suddenly something switches off. Now I’m thinking about what I’m gonna have for dinner, or something random that happened that day. It’s strange because no matter how hard you try to enjoy it, it just doesn’t happen.
For years I never understood why sex felt like a chore. The first time was.. underwhelming, to say the least. I remember thinking, “Is this it?” Not surprisingly, there was no round two, just some awkward shuffling out of the room. I read something one time on Reddit where someone compared the act of having sex to making a sandwich. This made me chuckle and has stuck with me since.
Being in a loving relationship with a partner who is allosexual has been a challenge, but the most important thing I’ve learned is that neither of our needs are more important than the other. Finally understanding my sexuality has opened up a conversation between us that has improved our relationship tenfold. And even after two years, I’m still learning about myself and what asexuality means for me.